Helloween Day Eleven: Blood Glacier

 

An Austrian (!) movie, Blood Glacier came out in 2013. It’s not on my list because my list went out the window and now I’m watching whatever I feel like. The movie’s in German with English subtitles, and I watched it for free on Netflix Streaming. Thank god, if I paid money for this I’d be upset.

The plot: Janek (a technician) and Tinni (his dog) are working with three scientists in the Austrian Alps. Because of climate change the glaciers are receding at an alarming rate, so the scientists are there to study the environmental effects. Janek, who is very sad because his girlfriend dumped him, is there to get drunk and stagger around camp in his underwear. Janek’s only friend is his faithful hound Tinni.

Tinni the dog is the most sympathetic character in Blood Glacier. Janek is the textbook definition of a loser, and the three scientists are stupid assholes. Being a stupid asshole in a horror movie is a deadly combination. Stupid people who aren’t assholes can be reasoned with, and the same holds true of assholes who aren’t stupid, but there’s no reasoning with stupid assholes. End of digression.

Janek, Tinni and one of the stupid assholes ascend to Monitoring Station #3, because it’s important that everything’s in tiptop shape for the Prime Minister’s visit tomorrow. The glacier has melted, and what’s left looks like frozen blood. The plot grinds into action: a monster attacks Tinni in the unearthed cave and Janek learns that his ex works for the prime minister; she’s a scientist or something.The base is soon attacked by a combination of a wood louse and a fox. Apparently, global warming has unleashed The Thing’s stupider cousin. The monster’s blood cells get into you and form hybrid organisms. The fox ate the wood louse so the resulting creature…doesn’t look like a fox at all. It looks like a fake monster, but whatever.

For some reason the Prime Minister and her retinue decide to hike to the base, but their pleasant walk is interrupted by a screaming young woman in Daisy Dukes pursued by a flying bug-thing. I don’t know where she came from, and her presence is never explained. In the meantime two of the scientists revisit the blood glacier, where the highlight of the movie occurs. I won’t spoil the wonderful moment, but it almost makes this flick worth seeing.

Blood Glacier is derivative of John Carpenter’s The Thing, without the good screenplay, great acting or awesome creature effects. It’s a mildly entertaining B-movie, a pleasant way to waste ninety minutes of your life. A warning to dog lovers: don’t see Blood Glacier. Obviously no animals were harmed during the making of etc., etc., but you’ve been warned.

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